I seem to have left my pride at pride
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
this is an emotional support booty call
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
