I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
