I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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