Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
