I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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