i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
