Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
