I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
