why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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