i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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