Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
