My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
