Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
