Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
