Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
