the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
