i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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