walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
