I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
