Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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