walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
