His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
