the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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