I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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