I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
