mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
