I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
