I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
