Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
