my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
