Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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