you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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