I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
