I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
