i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
