Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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