I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found the puke drawer
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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