I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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