1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
