omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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