Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
