is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
