If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
