Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Randomize
