I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you would pick up someone in the library
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
