Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
