im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
