when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
