you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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