can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
