If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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