you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
