Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I still have a little drunk in my system
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
