Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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