I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
