she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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