hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
